There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
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My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
me in a relationship:
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
this isn’t threatening at all
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!