@Kyle_Lippert

There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

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@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@TheBoydP

A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.

@Mom_Overboard

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

@ibid78

CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is

@UnFitz

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

@AndrewNadeau0

ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.

@Ready_Set_Nope

I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?

@ArfMeasures

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

@dadthatwrites

God: It’s called the violin.

Angel: Does it sound good.

God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.

Angel: What if they haven’t mastered it yet?

God: A screeching horror that’ll make your balls bleed.

Angel: No middle ground?

God: BLEEDING BALLS.

@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*