“Change is never easy…”
There are 5 things I really hate:
2) People who can’t spell.
4) Whyte people
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A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
God: It’s called the violin.
Angel: Does it sound good.
God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.
Angel: What if they haven’t mastered it yet?
God: A screeching horror that’ll make your balls bleed.
Angel: No middle ground?
God: BLEEDING BALLS.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*