There are 5 things I really hate:
1) Racists.
2) People who can’t spell.
3) Math
4) Whyte people

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“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees


A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.


The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.


CASHIER: is there anything else I can help you with?
ME: *pulls out my trigonometry homework from 1995* yes, yes there is


Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah


ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.

CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.

ME: I will take 4 parrots.


I just overheard my kid muttering “I’m sorry you had to see that” to a stuffed toy. It’s probably best not to ask what “that” was right?


COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call



God: It’s called the violin.

Angel: Does it sound good.

God: Oh yes, if you play it perfectly after a lifetime of practice.

Angel: What if they haven’t mastered it yet?

God: A screeching horror that’ll make your balls bleed.

Angel: No middle ground?



Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*