Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

the three branches of government

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

the hottest people have the worst stomach problems

Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!

Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.

So I got her a bag of peas.

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.

Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?

Me: *googles ‘math’*

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Plumber: I think I found the problem

I went from rags to one rag.

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.

My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.