There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
My Guy
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: out of my way, i’m on season 7 of house
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Shoo shoo! 😂
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??