There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
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person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
seriously you guys
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,