Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

me: *imagining it* no but I want to

“i miss shittin on people”

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job

Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered

to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.

[at a party]

*taps wife’s shoulder*

I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?

(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)

“What?”

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.

8: I wrote my list for Santa

Me: aren’t you going to ask how he is before you launch into your list of demands?

8: P.S. so…. how’s it going?

Me: perfect

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

RoboCop: *about to arrest me*

Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them

RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning

The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’

6 weeks. lol.

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

[ I am abducted by aliens ]

alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different

me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.