Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]

Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.

I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.

Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem

Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people

Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*

How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!

[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

the skeleton manning the ship inside of my brain is trying to push my brain out of my head and replace it with a rock. i might let him

FINE, I WON’T.

🤣

If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now

Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?

Boss: uh, working

Me: again?

Boss: …

Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all

WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?

Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?

6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.

Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.