There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
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Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
💀
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Me too, bag. Me too….
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal