There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
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The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
The key to a successful marriage is never go to bed married
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
“Let’s break a leg today guys!”
–Actors and mobsters getting pumped for work
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers