There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
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yeah 😭
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”