Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

*watches someone skateboard off a roof

…hold my beer

I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.

I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.

Archaeology.

The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.

After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.

HR said no more nunchucks.

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?

BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life

ME: …so that’s a no

*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”

– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?

GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.

if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first

The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”

Apparently.

Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.