Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.

How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird

When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.

Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch

after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams

my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol

wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”

My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with Preparation H.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus

Let me make this abundantly clear

– window makers probably

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.

Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.