Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

la cocaina

Every Crock-Pot recipe:

– throw in anything you have left in the house

– cook three to eleven hours.

the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery

Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire

So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

*puts on winter boots*

*trudges through newly fallen legos*

“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want

beware of dog
(jukin media)

“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”