there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
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Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
“OMGJK” -atheists
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.