there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
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[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Guilty! 🤪
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.