there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
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“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
this is uni
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.