there are 8 billion people in the world and i only have 3 friends and one is annoying.
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I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
IT support is currently working on fixing the problem. Thanks for your patience.
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.