Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?

-a memoir

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

My daughter told me there is a small get together at school on Friday.
I asked her, “How small?”
She replied,
“Just you, me, and the principal.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.

Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.

Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door

I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.