There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”
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My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.