Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…

I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Cop: “License and registration please.”

*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*

Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”

The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.

Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.

Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.