There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
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No-one: I can hear screaming
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!