There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
opening twitter today
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
There’s always that one guy
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*