There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
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Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
Webb. James Webb.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.