There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
You Might Also Like
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I’m giving up for Lent.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her