There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
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Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.