Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.

What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers back

How about your kid?

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done

Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon

*waits for a sign*

*dead bird falls from sky*

*waits for another, better sign*

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently

John Hammond: You have no vision

[Later, everyone is dead]

John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this

You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee

I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.