There are at least two things in this ad that caught my attention
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Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Mountain Goat : )
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Our favorite part of fall is walking through spider webs and screaming every time. What’s yours?
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car