Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.

My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.

My toddler learned to say COWBOY over the weekend and now every conversation is like this:

Me: would you like some milk to drink?
Toddler: no! Cowboy!
Me: I’m sorry. Would the cowboy like some milk?
Toddler: 🤠 yes 🤠

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.

I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.

5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.

Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”

Mom can you come get me?

I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy

😭😭😭

“The Perfect Relationship”

Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!

[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]

HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??

My mom: [sighs]

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

But is it really??

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?

That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

*Christmas with The Schrödingers

Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?

*His family smiles nervously at each other

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher