Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

Them: Follow your dreams!

Me: *goes back to school without pants*

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Superman’s first day at the daily planet.

Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.

Clark: I have that, superhearing too.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?

No chance of blocking an uppercut.

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

How can we make people tell the truth?

“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”

Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…

9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!

– Toddlers

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.