Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.

*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?

went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

Me: I’ll be home a little late today.

Son: Why?

Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.

Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.

crush: i really like music

me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken

Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.

the noise i just made

Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.

According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.