Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.

does anyone know the password to my work computer? or how to do my job?

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.

Dude t-rex: 😑

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

[on the phone]

me: i let the cat out of the bag

sis: what??

me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk

sis: oh phew

me: then i spilled the beans

sis: what?!

me: …all over the floor at dinner

sis: omg ok

me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye

Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.

advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.

COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP

OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles

COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP

OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude

COP: Just go. I give up.

The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?

I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry

I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.

“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”

I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.

I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

My biological clock is wheezing.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!