There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Nothing.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
Reoccurring dreams be like
‘I dunno, here’s a rerun’
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control