@Tharin_P

There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

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@KeetPotato

dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl: “ew”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”

@jordan_stratton

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

@ruinedpicnic

[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid

@IvoryGazelle

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

@roxiqt

[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

@EndhooS

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

@KeetPotato

me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”

@aligarchy

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

@UltimaShadowX

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress