There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.

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dude at house party: “anybody here wanna bone?”
girl: “ew”
girl 2: “no way”
girl 3: “never”
dog: “i am very interested in your offer”


RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild


[puts scarf on snowman]
Girl: to keep u warm
Snowman: I am made of snow.
G: omg you’re alive!
S: ok but lets get past that. are you stupid


A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.


[God making peaches]

ANGEL: we already have nectarines

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them

ANGEL: what

GOD: what


I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.


[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist


me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”


me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom


If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress