There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
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Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can