Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.

This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.

student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.

I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…

Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!

And I think this is my villain origin story.

Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake

When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

God has abandoned us.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?

I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name

Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’

Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph

I think my husband is psychic!

“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”

{from other room}
“You look great!”

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.

-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.