Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts

I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot

me: this is my horse mayo

friend: why did you call him that?

mayo: [neighs]

teacher: where is your assignment?

me: my dog ate it-

[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]

me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

My Plans 2020

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.

Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.

As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?

Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.

Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

figuring out my emotional availability:

If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.

First person to eat a banana: this is not good

First person to peel a banana: dude guess what

just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?