Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.

Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.

[suit shopping]

Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.

Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.

#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.

“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”

I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos

When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.

I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.

I’m always ready for bed.

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.

My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.

[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed

To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…

[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?

real

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

“I have toddler-like reflexes.”

“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”

*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*

“No.”

That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.