there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?