There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
This meme is a joke but also life-changing advice if taken to heart
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.