There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
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Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though