Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was up all night reading about insomnia

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now

a dragon: i see

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.

Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.

WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind

ME: Duh

[later at party]

ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron

[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]

him: SLANTY *clink*

me: I think you mean sláinte

him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey

My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave

Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.

Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.

As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

In 2020, five African grey parrots at a wildlife park in Lincolnshire had to be separated after they were found to be encouraging one another to swear. The park’s CEO commented, “We are quite used to parrots swearing… but for some reason these five relish it.”

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER