“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
