I need to stop Binge thinking.
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Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree
Me: yes, that’s right
Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
An idle mind is the Devil’s playground
Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics
Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s
I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.