@UncleDuke1969

“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.

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@sonictyrant

Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?

@pilau

An idle mind is the Devil’s playground

Devil: [inside my mind] this playground is shit

@3dog101

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

@OctopusCaveman

Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news

Me: oh no

Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad

@BoozeWallet

[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics

@TedInModeration

Rips off my shirt to reveal an S on my chest that’s actually remnants of last nights spaghettiO’s

@Kendragarden

I said “Margarita” 3 times in the mirror instead of “Bloody Mary” and now a ghost mariachi band is forcing me to play maracas for them.