“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
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Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.