Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

😭😭

So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.

FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

sir, my pâté if you please

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.

I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.

“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”

“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects

yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.