There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Eugene Levy & his wife invited me to a non-alcoholic party.
Drove my Chevy to the Levys but the Levys were dry.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Top of the ramen to ya, laddies
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.