There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
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Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
selfie game
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”
He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now