Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?

Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me

pizza guy: u sure?

the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on

producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?

the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word

producer: sounds bad

the killers: its the greatest song ever written

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse

ㅤ

Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?

Cooking instructor: No.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

Girls are a lot like oceans,

beautiful

and deep

but once a month

it’s shark week.

When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.

Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.

87.5% of marriage is just marriag.

If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van

My daughter just found the dog leash and collar

Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Got ya covered