Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Netflix and awkward silence?

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?

My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?

Me:

My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?

Me:

My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?

Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.

Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?

I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!

(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

“I’d like to make a toast.”

– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family

This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!

Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

[Couples therapy]

WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.

THERAPIST: And you, sir?

ME: She’s always in a bad mude.