there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING