there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Phonetics
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Hitlers gonna hitl
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”