there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
My 4yo started a 10-minute timer and a 12-minute timer at the same time. When the 10-minute timer went off first, she cried. She was rooting for the 12-minute timer to win.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”