there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
i really liked this one
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
What do we want?
“More existentialist jokes!”
When do we want them?
“Why?”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.