Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.

Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.

Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.

I love it

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

Doctor: do you exercise?

Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks

Doctor:

Me: cronchies

Doctor: I’m gonna put no

Me: ok

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?

(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)

Me: I have shin splints

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until you’re sure most the birds have flown south.

Snow joke. Follow us all season long for more important winter tips!

Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.

Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño

Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?

5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland

Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it

5: You should just send me

If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors

It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.

-Nervous Nelly

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.

Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*

Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!

Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins

Me: No, just whales

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?