there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You Might Also Like
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
they really wanted me dead for this
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles