there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You Might Also Like
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”