there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Sign of the day..
love it when they get my name right
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
sir, my pâté if you please
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap