Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work

I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency

I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot

The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

Most Common Source of Electricity

It will always be this

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.

My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

angel: what should zebras look like?

god: completely innocent

angel: ok

god: they could do no wrong

angel: got it

god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

doctor: your body is weak. take care of it

mobster: got it

[later, gun to his chest]

mobster: doctor sends his regards