there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
just drank a fifth of lava lamp juice, dare me to drive?
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Her: I’m a midwife
Me: nonsense. you’re a beautifulwife
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭