there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
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Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.
Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.
Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.
You’re never too old to follow your dreams.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know