Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.

“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!

Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…

I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.

I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.

Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king

I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.

Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

HIM: I love reading big novels.

ME: No kidding, so do I!

*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies