Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ancient greece]

teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis

hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine

socrates: I am examining what it means to be

ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”

I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected

her: that lion is charging

me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add

her: ok it has my leg, now what

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.

My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

So, who do I speak to about swapping out my nervous system for a chiller one?

Me: Be still you have something on your face.

4: Is it a snail?

Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?

4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.

He runs Facebook.

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.

God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

*FINALLY gets truck washed*

*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.

[before kids]

“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”

[3 years in]

“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”

You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.

If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.

The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.