Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.

Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.

I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans

I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.

*Joseph rolls eyes

I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.

honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.

Did you hear about the man who was using apples and oranges for flooring?

He started to lay them down when he realized it was fruit-tile

#LunchPun

“It’s better to give than to receive.”

I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet

gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”

me:

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this