There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
You Might Also Like
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.