@FunnyTunes

There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

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@LnL245

M: Um, you just spelled “qwerty” as “querty”.
H: So?
M: Look at the keyboard.
H: And?

M: [Breaking fourth wall look to camera]

@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

@PwrFulWmn

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

@Quartzjixler

Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?

@iGreenMonk

I am sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist !

@2tickytacky

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

@SortaBad

*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question