There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-

Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.

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I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning


When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.


Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.


Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.


New neighbours just moved in…

I baked them some goodies as a welcome & a warning to never eat at my house.


Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.


Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”