A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
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As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
“chill before serving” is the best advice I can think of if you’re an angry waitress
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
Best mom ever 😂
“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.