Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m a gun enthusiast

ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together

I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”

Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.

“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”

I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move

The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

😭😭

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.