Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else

me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us

her: who?

me: holy shit

I see your IQ test came back negative

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]

GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?

E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.

GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?

Jesus loves me. This I know.

For my neighbor told me so.

Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.

I’m flattered…but straight.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.

[i get pulled over]

cop: have you been out drinking?

me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.