Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.

Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.

Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.

3yo: *follows me into bathroom*

Me: “Privacy, please”

3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*

“Now we have privacy, Mommy”

“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson

God: you’re a giraffe.

Giraffe: yay!

God: you have a very long neck.

Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?

God: uh-sure.

Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!

God: no-

Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.

God:

Giraffe: feels like 72 : )

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

My brother said he wants to have eight or nine more kids. I said, “Wow, instead of having nephew, I’ll have neph many!”

He said, “You’re living proof that uncle jokes are even worse than dad jokes.”

Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.

So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.

Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!

Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”

My wife died, so I was a free man.

Then she came back and bit me.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating

archaeologist: how did you find me?

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment

gf: orchids

me: whoa we should get married first

the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses

All. The. Damn. Time.

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.

Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.