There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
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No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
This pepper has seen some $h1t.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.