Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude

Friend: What type of dr?

Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars

Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.

Me: I brought hay, but I don’t think I can fit much inside me.

HR: Did… did you think we were hiring an assistant manger?

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

I would throw myself under a duvet for you.

My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.

Home Alone (1990)

A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.

Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.

Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.

No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU

Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.