There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
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I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
every. time.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.