There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
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My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
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Breaking news:
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.