There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.