There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place
You Might Also Like
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.