There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
How is it still this week?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
introducing two cats is tedium. not interested in your dumb politics just lick each other and be normal already
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles