There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
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4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”