There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
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On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time
I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles
And guys you’re not going to believe this but….
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?
…Anybody?
Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
tag yourself
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)