There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
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That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up