Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.

If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

[a melon-choly exchange]

Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married

Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me

*annnnd, scene*

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*

My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently

technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things

The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.

My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?

Me: What?

7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS

Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.

7yo: WHOA 🤯

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

Date: Do you want to go upstairs?

Me: Sure.

Date: Do you have any protection?

Me: Who’s up there?

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

I try not to tweet when I’m happy…because I respect you guys and what we do here.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.