There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
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“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
Drilling for oil is well boring.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.