There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
This took me a second..
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Greeting humans vs their dogs
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!