Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent

kids play hide and seek like

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.

Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

The wife and I just got divorced.

We split the house………I got the outside.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis

yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration

Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”

My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.