There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
nude beaches are out, nude libraries are in
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”