There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
You Might Also Like
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
that’s probably the last firework my neighbor has
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.