There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
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(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Where’s my employee discount too?
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
logging onto twitter…
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…