There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
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I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Monday Lisa
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
me when I see my crush
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
THE DOG😭😭💀
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols