Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.

Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.

Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.

1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life

DATE: how do you know that

*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”

– my 2 year old

Wife: can you pick up milk?

Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy

Wife: I mean from the store

Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”

Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]

Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.

When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.

Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.