Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

who wants to go expliring

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

supermarket employee: can I help you find something?

me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?

First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.

Calling them ‘orcas who capsize boats’ is fine, but I just feel calling them Keeler Whales would be so much better

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.

I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.

I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.

Yep.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.