“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
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I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck